The second half of 2022 and early 2023… ROUGH. Not sure rough even covers it.
Now I am a pretty real person, I am pretty honest with myself about who and what I am. Honest about what I can do, and not do. Sure I am cocky in how I speak often, but if you know me, that is more of an “act”, not a fake act, just a confident act mixed with humour. I joke about my ability good and bad. I am sort of Friends Chandler funny at times, except actually pretty confident. I am well educated, two degrees, a ton of business experience across a half dozen industries. I am pretty honest and real with myself about who I am.
A great family trip to Italy (Aug/Sept 2022), and then my father gets sick near the end of the trip. He spends six weeks in a hospital in Rome, we get him home to the US, and a week later he is in the hospital here in the States, we all agree to have him intubated, and then a few days later we make the tough decision to let him go (Oct 23rd 2022).
My World is shaken in a way I could not expect, in a way I could not comprehend.
His memorial, Nov 13th 2022, I give his eulogy. I posted it once before, the video. Hardest speaking I have ever done. God had a message for me to give in that eulogy… I was certain then it was for someone else in the room (I still am), but maybe it was not just for them?
From his eulogy:
“Judge not and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive and you will be forgiven” Luke 6:37
“I am not sure who this is for, not sure why this has weighted on me, but if you at any level, feel any sort of anger, resentment, what have you toward Tom, Dad, he would want to have known (about it) and solved it with you.
So please take this opportunity and Let It Go!
Allow him to stay in your memory and heart, as the man he was… ‘fair, even handed, stern when needed, cheer leader, teacher, boss, manager, leader, father, husband, grandfather, uncle, friend.'”
My father and I had a great relationship, no anger between us, no resentment, he was my hero day in and day out, EXCEPT I was mad. I was (am?) angry. He left us. I feel some measure of guilt as well, I made the decision to let him go (not just me, we all made the decision, but I feel a great responsibility for it, whether I should or not, I do), when I knew (believed?) there was another way.
Dont get me wrong I am not (really) second guessing Doctors, except I am.
That message God put on me, was for ME as much as someone else in the crowd.
My love related relationships have always been some measure of a mess, whose havent?
The last 22 years has been dominated by two long term relationships and two shorter ones. 10 years with HS, almost 8 years with BW, a few months with PS and the one that just ended with RS, 1.5 years.
The relationship with RS was def a candle burning at both ends. It was the hottest, and really, most significant relationship of those four. The dirty details are not needed.
Why did these fail? A lot of reasons, some not in my control, many in my control.
I am difficult to live with, especially now at 53, I am set in my ways with some basics to be sure. RS and I had a lot of disagreement about many of these things, things I see as just common sense (dishes into the dish washer, use a cutting board do not just cut straight on the counter, clean up after yourself, if you spill wipe it up), and some things I just have never seen as important (pictures on the walls, allowing the other person to feel as at home as you do by having their things mixed in as well, making agreements on what things are important to have and which ones are not). I need to have more honest/strightforward conversations about those non-negotiable items and the negotiable ones, and not just think I can roll with some of the ones I may not like, or some of the ones I believe are common sense, because sense is NOT common anymore. So another failed relationship that really could have been saved or made a lot better, maybe it would have failed anyway? But it should not have failed in the way it did, or not right now (maybe a blessing it failed now and not 5 years from now? But that is a different discussion. It was not supposed to fail when and how it did, that I know)
What does all of this lead up too?
I have work to do… This weekend (March 3rd/4th) I will launch into a 60 or 90 day plan to deep clean my house, and myself. My garage needs to desperately be organized, I have a three car garage that I cannot park a car in.
My house is pretty clean, but needs some serious attention. April I will redo the master bathroom, but simple things like the carpet cleaned, baseboards touched up. Drywall cracks fixed. Cupboards organized.
In addition, I need a Deep Cleaning.
Identify the things I need to improve on, and improve on them. Maybe learn a new skill or two. Buff up my managerial process and practices.
I need to get Real Real with myself about some things. I need to “unbecome everything that isn’t really (me), so (I) can be who (I was) meant to be“
That is my journey. The next 60-90 days will all about that.
Social media will be minimized (exc to post about this and food/wine pics, one of the skills I hope to improve is the picture taking), TV shut off, outtings limited to things I have to do for work or have a commitment to, intense Bible study, intense dive into some books, Ted Talks, deep cleaning of the house and myself. I think I have 10 books right now I want to get into, some of them are daily 2-3 page inspiration things, some are read and note take, contemplate, internalize. get back to the trading desk and trade Options and Forex again.
Do I think this will make me a whole new person? No, that is not what it is meant to do. I am still Me, and will still be me. But can I round some sharp edges? Learn some things? Improve some things?
That is the goal.
Set myself up for the next 10 years of Income Earning, Peace, Joy, Health and Happiness.
Next post will be more in depth as to the plan, the goals, to hold me accountable.
Let’s get to it.